Marvel's Night Before Christmas

We all know the Night Before Christmas story. I thought I'd put a little geeky spin on it this year.

So without further ado: Marvel Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the dorms,
Not a hero was stirring, not Hawkeye or Thor.
The boots were all set by the chimney with care
In hopes that ol' Spidey-clause would soon be there.

The Avengers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While Hulk dreamed of smashing and the crushing of heads
And Cyclops in his visor, and I in my mask
Finally got a break from our hero-ing task

When up on the viewscreen there arose such a clatter
Quicksilver leapt from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the roof we went with all speed
Did the city need saving this Christmas eve?

"Twas the glint of metal that made us all stop
It gave shape to the villain who was standing atop
A shared look of dread, our hearts they did quicken
Its a man in a mask, and 8 evil henchmen

He wore a green cloak, we correctly assumed
It could only be the vile Dr. Doom!
He was well guarded, other villains he'd tamed
He bellowed and shouted and called them by name!

"Now Bullseye, now MODOK, now Loki and Venom!
Kill all the heroes and take the town with 'em!"
We beat then quite soundly, their attack we did stall
Cried out Dr. Doom, "Run away all!"

The kicks and the punches, how they did fly
Then Doom and the others took to the sky
Down through the windows they all did crash
With a big bag of bombs and a nice weapons cache

Then in a flash we saw with dismay
They had found our tree and were getting away!
We took to the living room, looking around
Doom dropped from the ceiling with nary a sound

He was covered in armor from his face to his foot
With a evil steel mask and frozen mean look
He had a few presents all nestled in his hands
Then Wolverine leapt forward said, "Hey bub, let's dance!"

Doom's eyes how they smoldered with a look that was scary
Then out popped Green Goblin who tossed a grenade that he carried
His evil little mouth was drawn up in a sneer
But it dropped once again when Colossus drew near

Goblin got hit in the face, it loosened his teeth
And a bruise circled his eye like a blue Christmas wreath
Deadpool then laughed, his breath kinda smelly
He'd just finished a snack of Alpo with jelly

They were beaten and bruised and thoroughly thrashed
Too bad our poor dorm rooms were totally trashed...
They picked themselves up and ran for the door
We knew they would go and bother us no more

Doom raised his hand and issued command
They turned tail to escape into the night they all ran
We picked up our tree which was sorely mistreated
But we won the day, with Doom soundly defeated!

They jumped in a chopper made tracks with great speed
"We just saved Christmas" I cried out with glee
Doom raised his fist into the night sky
"Enjoy your short Christmas, for New Year's you DIE!"

Hope you enjoyed it, and to anyone reading, may your Christmas be Marvelous and full of heroic deeds. Be kind to your relatives, lest they turn to crime!

Until later! EXCELSIOR!

Face Off! Now with less Nicolas Cage.

My last post was asking for hero matchups...no one posted anything...

Oh, well, I suppose I can put a few of my own.

Dr. Strange vs. Aquaman - 

Ok...didn't really prepare for something of this magnitude to start with. How would someone who's only power is calling fish gonna stand up to the some one of the mystic arts? I guess he could try to poke him in the face with a puffer fish or something.... Flying octopus of doom? Dr. Strange would probably stare at Aquaman very angrily then banish him to the null-zone. 

Winner - Dr. Strange

Harley Quinn vs. Lady Deathstryke -

Battle of the psycho-bitch sidekicks... A nerd's true dream. OK, Harley has all the nifty gadgets and gizmo's that she got from the Joker. That make's her pretty deadly, or at least, fatally annoying. Lady Deathstryke is a cybernetic she-terminator with a serious processor chip on her shoulder. They'd start duking it out, possibly with Harley hittin her with the freakin acid squirting flower gag. This would piss off the robot lady who would attempt to perforate the jester and quickly meet her end via electro shock handshake device.

Winner - Harley Quinn

Iceman (Bobby Drake) vs. Mr. Freeze

Teen with inherant ice powers faces off against a psychotic doctor who kinda fell into his schtick. Mr. Freeze would try to fire off a witty one liner, which would probably be something like, "ICE to see you." *facepalm* any way, Mr. Freeze fires off his big ass freeze cannon, which, by definition would only make Iceman stronger. Iceman absorbs the blast until the gun runs out of "diamond power" (Thanks for that one DC) and then punches Freeze in the face repeatedly while Freeze cries about "his Maria"....

Winner - Iceman

Riddler Vs. Mysterio

Some doof with the unfortunate name Eddie Nigma (Freakin DC...) faces off against a special effects nerd named Quenton Beck (And Marvel does no better...) Riddler doesn't really do anything... except maybe confuse the crap outta people. "I'm going to strangle you. To find out with what you must solve this riddle. What gets wetter the more it dries?!" Then he runs away and hides in a closet. Mysterio pulls off the whole "Wizard of Oz" bit and makes an effort to at least  kill Riddler. Neither would get anywhere due to their fighting style being to sucker people in with traps where in they kill themselves...

Winner - DRAW

More as I think of them.

EXCELSIOR!

Why must I deal with these people?!

Ok...I think the time has finally come. I am about to murder whoever keeps calling the house. I'm having to use a wireless connection down in my lair. This isn't so bad. Dynex makes quality products and I'm happy when it works. But...and this is what pisses me off...whenever the stupid house phone rings (its cordless) MY WIRELESS CONNECTION DIES!!! This is something I have been trying to fix for the longest time. Seriously, how stupid is this. I'm trying to do a little chatting, trying to keep what little social life I have left alive, and some schmuck calls the house trying to sell some crap we will NEVER need. Everyone in this house has a freakin cell phone. Would it be so hard to just use those, and just unplug the stupid house phone. It would save a little money and I wouldn't want to kill anyone who so much as touches the house phone. I've been trying to figure out why this happens, and have yet to figger it out.

On to why I'm really here. I've been doing a little thinking. I am a rather big Marvel fan and I can't really wait for X-Men Origins to come out. Here's my thinking. With Marvel Civil War we get to see heroes fight other heroes. Truly the best "Who would beat Whom" type comic. But, what if every hero, Marvel, DC, Black Horse, whatever, had an all-out brawl. Who would come out victorious.

I know there are heroes out there like Superman, Mr. Invincible, and others who have this whole "invulnerability" thing. Batman's got some kryptonite, and Mr. Invincible can't die, doesn't mean he can't be dismembered. The Hulk has a decent shot at being #1 what with only getting more pissed and stronger when he gets beat upon. Only problem is that the Hulk reverts to Banner when rendered unconcious, and he is susceptable to mental attack.

I look forward to what kinds of matchups you folks might decide upon. Feel free to comment and share!

Til next time, Excelsior!

The Dark and Evil that is making me sad.

Ok, the Elegant Elementalist has something to talk about this time. I've been cruising the interwebs and talking to anyone who wasn't a bot, or didn't try to start a flame war with me. I find I'm really starting to get pissed off at these ignorant people, who for just the hell of it, start arguments online. It's stupid. How empty and useless is your life, that you decide, "Hey! I'm gonna go online and call some random person gay! Yeah that seems like a good idea!" These people are a scourge on the internet and should all be beaten with sticks. Or, just put them all in the same chat room with all the bots. They can flame and spam all they like and leave us superior minded humans alone.

Oh, and another thing! What is with all these people online with names like Darkone4883 or Being_of_Shadows82? Ye gods, how many people do you actually think are gonna believe you are a demon, or even remotely evil. Think about this, all you goth wannabes: If your online name ends in a number exceeding two digits, you are not original, you are not gothic, you are not a demon, you are living at home with your mom. You are probably online at a library, your mom brought you, and you're named Trevor or Cody or Evan. Same goes for the "Gothic Lifestyle" Just because you wear black clothes, black makeup, and shop at Hot Topic does not, I repeat DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOTH! Even shortening the word is stupid. It's Gothic! How lazy are you that you can't even pronounce the "ic"? Besides, being gothic doesn't mean you pretend to be a tortured soul who no one understands. Take your lithium, wear something less monochromatic, and get some sun. Otherwise you just look like a 1940's clown who didn't try hard enough to look funny.

Ok, enough from me. Until next time!

EXCELSIOR!

My Life Needs a Pause Button

These are some things I have learned from video games:

...On Life:

• When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time.
• All martial arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
• All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
• If someone other than you dies, they disappear.
• Whenever huge, fat, evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
• No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
• Your death is reversible, just keep an eye on those icons.
• Carpe diem! You still have lives left!

...On Problem-Solving

• There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
• If it moves, KILL IT!
• Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try picking it up--- it was probably a bonus.
• You can smash things and get away with it.

A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.

B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.

• 200-to-1 odds against you: NOT a problem.

...On Daily Routine

• If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
• Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
• You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
• Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
• When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
• When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
• Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
• All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
• The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.

...On Friends & Enemies

• The enemy always leaves weapons lying around for no reason other than to aid you in defeating them.
• Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
• As a rule of thumb; Cybertrons are our friends, Human(oid)s are not .

Always remember, you will live forever as long as you have enough quarters!

Excelsior!